Searching

It's Sunday and I should be excited about getting ready to go to Church. For some reason, I'm not. Well, actually, I do have a clue as to the reason. The morale of the people is at an all time low. We're losing families left and right. We're being subjected to an "iron fist ruling" where there is no compromise -- EVER! I sit and listen to the sermon and half of the time I have no idea what the point is. There isn't a connection between the Word and real life. On a "good" day, we're not yelled at. On a bad day, I feel like I'm at a revival and if I don't jump up and yell, "AMEN" I'll be condemned to hell.

I love my church family. I love 'my' kids. I love the music (most of the time). I love that the Word is still proclaimed each and every Sunday. I love that we reach out to the community.

Even with all of the positives, I leave the service feeling a void. I don't feel spiritually nourished. I don't feel the unconditional love that God has for me while I'm sitting in the pew. I feel beaten down and made to feel that I'm not doing enough.

I've been worshipping and very involved in this church for 20 years. I've watched things change for the better and for the worse. We've prevailed through the hard times. We've celebrated the good times. We've shared joy and pain.

I'm at a point where it may be time to time to start figuring out which worship space is right for me. It's hard to even write that. It's even harder to admit it. As the new year begins, I am committed to strengthening my faith. I know that God has big things planned for my life. I know that I will be led on an amazing journey and I am ready.

Through all of this transition, I will take refuge in the quietness, for it is not in the "busyness" of the world that I find my rejuvenation.

"Be still and know that I am God."
Psalm 46:10